One Last Goodbye

You told me you dont want to have friction in our relationship. You told me you valued me as your friend.

I thought petty things wont even give a slight friction on us. I thought our friendship is valuable that nothing can destroy it.

But i was wrong

For just a very small thing which if you would try to scrutinize is nothing but a scrap to even put our relationship on a threshold of goodbye.

But what shall i do, ive been hurt for the fact that you dont even said goodbye and leave me in the stillness of the night.

Yes, i may have made a mistake, but if you look at it, it was so shallow to be taken into consideration. but then it has happen, and all i can do is preserve my pride.

that cross sign

that no stares

that no words

that walkout

that no goodbye

Can we consider it as a manifestation of the downfall of the once lovely tandem that has existed in this much hype and much hypocrite world?

if it is,

then allow me to say thank you for everything, somehow you have touch my life and somehow you have given me the smile into my lips. Though twas temporary, i valued it the most

thank you

Cleared

Its over for us jayR
Thank you for everything...

those were the exact words that borj has told me when we chatted last night on MIRC after he learned that i was using another nick without him knowing.

Heres the story

After i hear mass yesterday, i went online to check my mails. I dropped by at the MIRC channel and therev had a fun chat with my friend patrick. He was using another nick so i decided to use another nick too and not the usual registered nick that i have. Someone in the channel was looking for borj, so i decided to mack him and ask why. We chatted and befriended each other. He is Burn, a punk long haired guy. We talk about Borj when he told me that the latter is online at that moment. I never thought him to be online for accordingly he will be at a family affair last night. There i saw his nick and chatted him. He told me we will have an EB together with Burn not knowing that i am his jayR, hehe. After a while, i decided to tell him the real me. And that was it. He was mad! Huh!

Later however, he asked me for a drink and fetch me together with Burn at Net Express Bonifacio. WE headed somewhere in Anda and had a drinking spree. Imagine three different world collide for one spectacular night of camaraderie and beyond. Whew! Borj the skaterboy, Burn the punk and me oh well the corporate man! hahaha,,,

Borj has cleared up something that is going on that has occupied my mind for the past days. And such was an explanation that i gladly accepted. Hmmmmm...

We drank till 4 am .

We had a great night once more.

Were happy together

Were back to what has been started

Weve found a new friend in Burn...

as always

Thank you borj for the night.

Looking forward for this weekend night out that we planned

The Real Me

Ive been bothered by borj's messages lately. He's been asking me whats wrong with me, he's been asking forgiveness for something i dont even know. Romeo also told me about something i tried to change things the way they were. Hmmm... this leads me to this blog to explain my side. I hope they will be able to read this.

Brow, i am still the same JayR that you knew, the same me that you saw the night we were together celebrating our friendship and beyond. You know, its not the typical me to really get serious into something which is lame if not foolish to absorbed with my senses.

Yes, i understand your predicament, i knew you were just too concerned about me, and i appreciate it very much but then, you too have to realize that i have said my piece, and would it not be enough for you to understand that nothings wrong with me? and that i am still the jayR that came into your lives and will be there till you give up on me.

yes i came to a point of deciding whether to give up the friendship or to keep it, but i realize it would make me no good if i gave up you both coz i knew deep within you have somehow became part of the pillars of this shattered life of mine.

and with that, i want you to know, i still am the friend that you knew and i still will be the JayR that will be there for you till eternity calls me.

and with this blog, i hope everything is clear, i hope that my no-response in your SMS sometimes doesnt mean im giving you cold shoulder, maybe im just too busy or may i just run out of load.

The Hurting

Inasmuch as i dont want to show how i feel, i cant help it.

From the very beginning ive been looking for my place under the sun. A place where i can find people with the same level with what i believe i am in. And then they came unexpectedly in the world where every human is grasping for self-belonging. They came and touch my life to the point of bringing back the smile into my lips in my continued play in the strange place that i am in right now.

unexpectedly, a feeling grows within that i cant help but keep. i dont want to lose the friendship we shared, i dont want to spoil the happiness i felt when were together. keeping the feeling that would most likely trample down the tower that our relationship has establish to lessen the burden is better than showing off whats within and suffer and add another load to carry at the end.

i am happy, were all happy. and who else isnt.

but then everything has transpired that fate has repeatedly played unto everyones heart. i forbid to stay strong. my trembling knees put me in shiver and shoke me in pain and there i am on bended knees weeping the silent hurting. each tear that fall maybe a manifestation of lifes unruly music but i took it the other way around.

and now im happy. happy for my friend who have found their share of happiness in their loving embrace.

i may have done everything just right in your eyes, but there will be those insane moments when i am faced with the realization that there are individuals out there that are neither thinking of me nor loving me at this moment.

As one of the famous philosophers stated, "That which does not destroy us only makes us stronger". And this developoment would not in any way make me fail in my quest instead it will help me move on with more determination to pursue a life that i have envisioned myself with.

this may actually serve as an invaluable learning experience. i accept the fact that i will always have to overcome obstacles in life in order to achieve my goals,

friends, dont worry about me, i knew you will be both happy, i will just be here for you both when you needed me, you will soon understand that everything just makes me a more rounded and successful person. It is in this silent scream revealed my limitations and motivate me to overcome them.

and indeed i am hurt but i can still show to the world that i have been the man that stood for the past 25 years amidst all the life's unfriendly nature towards me.

but im happy, i really am.

now i can officially set myself free from the burden of loving someone and thereby resisting it...


as always, it would be love that will keep me moving on.

and i knew it

it will be there for me when i need i the most.

though i shed tears

smiles still dominate my lips

The Guilt Within

guilt Pronunciation Key (glt)n.
The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense.
Law. Culpability for a crime or lesser breach of regulations that carries a legal penalty.
Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.
Guilty conduct; sin.

Etymology: Old English gylt delinquency: the fact of having committed an offense esp. against the law

: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : morbid self-reproach often manifest in marked preoccupation with the moral correctness of one's behavior

HOwever it is being defined, still it point out to one thing, and that is how i am feeling right now. For the past two nights, ive been haunted with guilt deep inside for i have done something which i knew is not the right thing to do. Though the person did not directly told me about it, i am not that fool to tell myself that nothings wrong between the two of us and what happened that night did not in any way put a scar on the relationship that we were triumphantly established.

Too heavy to carry a burden deep within. AS if a flaming emotion would burst anytime soon. But then everytime i wanted to shout it out, there is the call for decency that put cold water to the once hazing emotion. And in the end there i am shivering in pain, of hopelesness for somehow the guilt have weaken me in my continued quest in this game of life.

I have consoled by telling myself that at least i have asked forgiveness but then if i will look at things the way it should be, the apology should be address to someone else for unwittingly that person never had the idea of whats happening or what has transpired from his absence.

Whatever will happen, wherever this guilt would bring me, one things for sure, i have subjected myself in a world where nothings permanent, though i want things the way they are now, i cant help but let go if there is a need to.

But then again,

i feel sorry for myself

i feel guilty

i am

i really am...

The triumvirate

We came from different worlds yet with a common denominator which we sarcastically accepted, we were able to find solace and comfort with one another. The triumvirate of JayR, Romeo and Borj also known as the mentally challenge and psychologically impaired individuals. LOLZ

Last night we had a bonding together. Just a simple celebration of friendship despite of whatever the outcome from the polluted minds of some individuals out there. We dine in at Penong's. We really had a fun dinner. Chatting and laughing in between taking of foods. Just about anything that came to mind that we just laugh off. Some kinda serious yet we manage to get the heck out of it and continue the fun. Though there are times when borj get serious or should i say just too preoccupied with thoughts on what will be the issue the next day after such an encounter. we all know for a fact that there are lots of mortal eyes looking at us that may lead to an issue the following day over the net, yet we did not care less.

After the dinner, we went to the nearby Pidok's and had our taste of being a singing champions. Hahah, actually twas only Meong who sang his heart out during the entirety of our videoke session. We really had so much fun there. as if nobody was looking at us we manage to forget everyone and owned the world. Hahaha.

After which we strolled down the street , passed by at lafia net then we send Meong off to his home. Huh! twas a long walk indeed from ilustre all the way to boulevard and way back to claveria.

Night oh night! twas indeed a fantastic night that would be written in the pages of the books of a triumvirate who have finally found the people of the same frequency. Intellectuals we are! hahaha, self serving.

A repeat? that would be a good idea. and as always, it would be worth looking forward to.

Before i get home, borj asked if when could we meet again, i just answered with a smile for uncertainties has been a constant mindset in a set.up where every looking mortals are keeping their stares glued unto this creatures who just wanted to have space and be happy in a company where they belong.

Whatever is the issue that would come out, well just have to answer with these three expressions which we repeatedly uttered last night a hundred times over...

Dont labeled me like that....!@
Its not my cup of tea... and as always
My lips are sealed...

The Borj Effect

From the beginning since we started our friendship, i feel at ease with this guy. He always let you feel comfortable and he seem to be a nice friend to reckon with. Days passed when finally our path crossed, we knew each other more than enough to put a cornestone of our friendship.

Loving sweet and caring, these are the adjective that would best describe this mortal. Though these words does not suffice on how great this creation of God is, somehow it will give you an idea of how great he is. Multi-talented and of course that chinito look again! huh! Mr. Webster could not give any words to further justify his beauty that is par excellance. And wait, the brain! indeed! he is the total package guy. He may look kinda weird on his fashion statement, still he got an edge to every guy around, thats borj.

Last night, after the first planned night out didnt push through, we finally had a chance to have it. Though i was waiting for hours before he could fetch me up to where i was last night, it was worth the wait. In all fairness, he came despite his not so good condition. He was under the scorching heat of the sun during the day then suddenly the cold rain drenched them from their sweaty shirt, who would feel good in it?

First stop, Mandarin! we had our dinner there though he preferred to have it somewhere in a dimly light barbecue houses, i insist we have it there, a clean place to dine. He showed me some of his pictures on their mountain trekking adventures. Whew! what a picturesque place it was, how i wish i really could join him again when he climb up. i hope my schedule will fit when he will ask me to join him on his next travail. Something to look forward to. I myself loves nature so thats one of the denominator of why we click together despite our seemingly opposite worlds.

While we had our dinner, we talk about anything and everything that came to mind. One such issue that was discussed and rebutted upon was about a friend of ours. Well, i wont elaborate it here for i know some things are best kept secret.

After dinner we headed to Pidok's and sing our heart out together in that dimly lit videoke room. We ordered 4 bottles of redhorse. Hmmm thats how we thought we ould consumed for the entire night. WEre not drinker by heart. Were just having alcohol to somewhat give excitement to the night.

And who else would stand up there but borj. His sweet voice and rugged looks were his weapon to steal the limelight away from everyone. NO wonder one guy joined us and stared at him as if to eat him alive. hahaha, he just took it as it is. NOt his cup of tea...this line he spoke several times after i had told him about it. Not our cup of tea indeed!

Well as far as my memory served me right, he sang the songs: Can you feel the love tonight ~heartfelt rendition~!, Sometimes when we touch ~themesong daw, wahahah~, Next in line --> as requested by the waiter, SAy that you love me ~my fave song, a guy gave the microphone to us for the piece, but of course its borj who got the voice so i pass on the microphone~, Baleleng ~that was an awesome rendition of this visayan song, everyone was stunned in the room~, i just forgot some of the songs...

After we consumed the four bottles of redhorse, we ordered two more, but we were given four bottles. hahaha... WE talk some more, from our personal stories and involvements, whew! james you're part of the convee, haha, to some politically correct insinuations of what is happening to our country. It made me appreciate borj even more for he has proven to me that he does not only got the beauty he also got the brains. We also shared trivias on different genre. Argue a little bit about it but in the end, come up on the same direction, fyi, this trivia game is what we do to bond together even if were apart at times. Thats what you call bondig of the intellectuals..hahaha..

Before we knew it, we were left in the room alone coz the rest of the people are gone. ITs 2:30 in the morning. Till finally the waiter told us that they are goin to close. One bottle not yet down, we leave it standing anyway.

WE strolled around the vicinity till we reached lafia net. He checked for his other buddies but they were not there so we decided to go. We were at Jollibee san pedro when we finally decided to go online. WEnt back to Net express ilustre. AFter which we call it a night...hahaha

And this is what he text was when i woke up at 11:00 am. "Ok ka lang? Thanks, i had a great time. I enjoyed your company. iba ka.

Thank you borj for the night. it was worth it. You are really great. HOpe to do a repeat soon. Hahaha, looks like were sticking it out together. Thanks again. You made my night. You're the man.

JayR

Prideless but principled

Human as we are, there is the so called pride or ego that sometimes ruled our emotions, our decisions and even our life in general. Yet in some instances, this pride of ours keep our dignity intact. Now here comes the principle. Something that everyone used to as a guideline for what he believe is right and just. Things get complicated as these two humane tendencies collide. Which is which. Is it pride or is it just a principle being followed.

These question lingered into my imagination after a series of SMS exchange with borj last night, oh well, twas early morning already. He came to a decision where friendship , emotion and everything in between has to be taken into consideration, yet in the end, frienship has to be sacrificed.

He asked me to extend the message to our friend, and i quote " Im so happy for you, I saw you both together again, and that is a good sign that you're back to each others arms" Accordingly, his guilt somehow was unleashed and the burden he was carrying all these times has been lessen.

Though friendship now is at stake, he doesnt care less purportedly because he doesnt want to interfere into a relationship to which he knows the other party is most serious of. Very well said my friend. Though i hardly get what you were trying to figure out last night, somehow when i woke up this morning i realized how noble you were with the decision you made. Prideless but principled decision. thats how you coined an adjective to describe the situation. Oh yes! indeed it is the right thing to do.

With this development, i have come to a decision too that is hard to do yet i think is the best thing to do now. I have to give space and continue a life away from this person whom i learned to love. If incurring pain to myself for someone else's gain is the best thing to do, then i am but willing to give it all.

Thank you for somehow touching my life in that span of time. I know you'd been wanting to be happy, and i guess now you are happy nonetheless, im happy for you too. Thank you for the moments we shared together, those memories we had will always be here in my heart. NOw im going, im setting you free, im giving you the chance to take another chance with the person who happened to be the sound of each whisper of your loving heart.

Thank you.

And to borrow the words of james...."love will be a dream that will never be mine" BUT that would only be in the case of your heart, coz im willing to open my heart again to someone else!

Thank you.

I love you

but

goodbye

LOVE MOVES IN A MYSTERIOUS WAYS
It's always so surprisingWhen love appears over the horizonI'll love you for the rest of my daysBut still, it's a mysteryHow you ever came to meWhich only proves

Call It A Night

Yes! after a couple of SMS exchange with Harry, i finally decided to join them overnight at the beach. Twas around 11:00 pm when we headed for toril where the rest of the guys are. I, Harry and Ace join together riding a taxi outbound to the beach.There we go, when we reach the place, the noisy-cum-wild-semi drunk guys are there very jolly and enjoying the night. There I saw bogs and borj, simple hi-hello greetings and then Harry gave me the paper plate, hehe... its chow time again!!!I had a chance to talk to Bogs about an issue regarding Ronyl and he clearly explained his side.

Well, whatever is the real score in the issue, that i dont know, i am not part of it so better i wont comment any further. In the entirety of the night I had a chance to bond with of course Harry, Borj and bogs. The rest of the guys are just too busy with their trip-- singing@!!! hehe, nothing else. :)

Well, here i am again, trying to voice out how i saw the guys that night. The way they behave and anything that I have discovered.

Bryan first. Hmmmm, the same old cute friend that he is. Displaying charm and beauty with his blue short and shirt with matching cap outfit last night. He is too sweet to be resisted!!! hmmmm no wonder someone is making false accusation on him purportedly giving him false hopes, bogs by nature is sweet and loving , that i discovered. ITs nice to know someone like him, though i wont say he is the perfect man in the world, he simply is the man whose company you will enjoy. thanks bogs for the company last night.

Borj. The chinito look again!!! oh god forgive me! lolz... Last night i discovered that once upon a time, he work as a DJ (part time) in one of the local radio station, hmmm no wonder he got such voice the may delight those listening ears on that cold night. When he sang, oh well, it caresses the soul of a tired body. Hmmm somewhat exaggerating here, but it really is the real thing. He also open to me what he called " the bad side in him" which i think is only part of his being human, he may deny it being pride to have made him like that rather he said its his lifes principle. Oh well Mr. chinito cutey skaterboy, i wont argue with you on that, ill reserve the argument when whe have the time together, for now i would understand your predicament over the issue you raised last night. Very articulate indeed! a thing i admired with this guy!!! he got brains so to speak! Thanks borj for the night. I enjoyed every minute with you. you rock man!

Harry boy. Oh well my Harry, if not for him i would be there in the first place, hehehe... Still the same quite Harry that I knew from the beginning. But of course that voice again which made me fall, lolz... Singing is his forte and he gave justice to the pieces he sang last night!!! thats my boy!!! unfortunately he sleep while everybody's enjoying the night. Hahaha, overnight sleep at the beach ...hehe.

Rico... oh well, that guy! so much blessed with the voice that could spell eternity. OH yes, he was in fact the singer to beat last night with every song rendition , the refreshing voice could make you stand still in the wilderness of the night.

Edz... hmmm finally i saw this guy whom i have talk to several times on the phone. Finally i meet him before he aboard the plane outbound for Manila where he will be preparing the papers for his Israel invasion. Hmmm, impression? a guy that has a big heart, no wonder friends are flocking out with him.

Ace ... hmmm , a quiet guy full of innocence (?) hehe with matching question mark, i never notice him when everybody was busy singing and dancing the night away.

Rommel , haha, this guy who macked me in mirc channel and asking personal questions even if i havent known him that time. Well, he seem to be a nice friend with smile always decorating his aura through the rest of the night.

Mark (i dunno if i got the name right) , this guy is a hottie one!!! hehehe... his smile alone could make a difference!!!! but i havent known him that much. He was too preoccupied with his role that night in our drinking spree. Too mysterious yet too hot to resist either.

Arnel, hmmm i guess the youngest of us all last time. He was the very first guy whom catches my attention for he was the only one displaying his vigority and candidness. His youthful exuberance was bearable. Innocence lost by the worldly things, he still had his share of the world of a child in one instance of the night.

And that guy whom i didnt know and never get acquainted with last night. Long haired mysterious guy whose presence may not be felt but his aura would say a lot more if discovered deep within

Harry Harry Night

A couple of days ago, i had a great time with my buddy Harry at SM, we shop, we dine and we watch movie together...heheh... We went to Habagat to check their bush hat but they run out of stock so we decided to go to the department store and choose from the variety of shirts there. He chose a whited printed shirt while i chose the black one - talking about the opposite of things, hehe..

AFter that, we dine at KFC, i consumed a KFC fried chicken while he was just contented with his KFC chicken fillet burger, oh i dont know how it is being called really. AFter which we go upstairs and watch a movie.

After a few minutes of arguing which movie to watch for, we decided to watch the filipino suspense drama Nasaan Ka Man. In fairness to the movie, its not the typical pinoy horror flick which is very predictable and full of shouting. It will wreck your nerves from time to time with each gruesome scenes. You will keep on guessing whats will happen next as the next scene is very unpredictable as mysteries unraveled. Whoa what a movie! worth the 50 pesos per head we paid.

AFter the movie, twas last full show so when we get out from the moviehouse, it was late in the evening. We then went to claveria and had a one hour internet session at lafia. Afterwhich were gone for home...

What a night we had with my buddy harry. Twas time well spent with each other, a rare opportunity for us to bond together since were both busy with each others lives!

HOW ABOUT YOU HAVE YOU WATCH A PINOY FLICK LATELY?